Well I have been home for a week now. And it really does take a week to sort through everything I experienced on this trip.
I was so rejuvenated to see how many people care for each other; to see compassion and warmth in every person I met in Thailand this year. But the first thing I heard about when I got home was the Sandy Hook massacre. It absolutely broke my heart. How can I meet a man who gave up his own freedom to better the lives of children in Thailand, and then hear of a young adult carelessly taking the lives of children in the U.S.?! I can't make sense of it, I never will, but it frustrates me to no end. I can't even read about about it in the paper without tears welling in my eyes.
I have noticed that, this year, it is the emotions that have stuck with me the most. I don't know if that has to do with what I have been through the past 17 months, or the fact that this is my second trip. I seemed to focus on what I was feeling more than what I was seeing on this trip. I have been in such a dark place, and there was nothing but light while I was in Thailand. It is so hard to explain how that felt, but I will try. I felt like I was moving forward, doing something that mattered, making a mark on the world. Now that I am home I feel stationary. I am just going through the motions. Every day in Thailand I felt like I was accomplishing something. I have big plans for the new year, and I know it will help move me forward, but I am not so sure it will compensate for the empty feeling I have. I feel like I am missing something, but what that is I am not sure. My job, the city. I have no clue what direction my future is headed, and that is an uneasy feeling for me. I always knew what I wanted or had some certainty, and right now it is a completely blank canvas.
The people I met while in Thailand touched my heart so much. The word 'compassion' sticks out like a neon flashing sign when I think back on everyone I met. They are doing amazingly selfless things, and not thinking twice about it. They do it because it is the right thing to do and because people need them. You see this in such masses over there, but at home it is so rare. It weighs heavy on my heart. We have so much to give, and I don't just mean money.
Another aspect that touched my heart was doing the garden in memory of Morgan. The first moment I walked up to the gazebo I was overcome with emotion. I was just so grateful that Global Neighbors allowed me to dedicate it to Morgan, and it was so perfect. And then on the last night when we had all of the safe house girls there; wow! We did all of this for them. We raised the money for them, we spent time on the project for them. And they were so excited and grateful. Sitting with all of them in the gazebo gave me such a warm feeling. It felt like it was meant to be. I was supposed to be on this trip. I was supposed to meet these girls. I think they changed my life as much as I helped change theirs. And I knew Morgan was there with us. I have never felt that close to her since she passed away. It was amazing. So perfect.
What I also took away from this trip is my passion to help children. I felt such a pull to help every kid I met in Thailand. It was so hard to leave every school we visited. My heart would break a little bit each time. I found myself racking my brain every night for a way I could adopt all of them, take them home, and raise them to be happy and healthy. They deserve to have the life I had growing up. I appreciate every single thing my parents did for me. There are so many times growing up that kids in Canada, me included, take our parents and their rules for granted. In hindsight we have absolutely nothing to complain about. A curfew is the smallest of our worries, and I wish I could show everyone what I have seen. I wish there was a way to make people understand. The only way to truly understand is to see it for yourself.
Just last week I helped give students at an inner city school a Christmas lunch through work. It just solidified everything I had been feeling in Thailand. These kids very rarely get a good meal, and they were so thankful to us for giving them one. I could see that we made a difference to them; be it giving them a great day or a great year. It felt amazing. I want to help. I want to give my time to kids all over the globe. I can't go to Thailand as much as I would like, so in the meantime why not give back to the community I live in?
Finally, this trip was good for me. It reminded me about what is important in life. I am truly blessed with a loving and supportive family, I have some of the best friends, who even after time apart continue to support me. I am learning about my passions and what they mean. And even though I feel a little lost, I am shaping my future everyday.
