Running Wild

My emotions are going absolutely crazy. I don't remember feeling this way the last time I went on this trip. I have been feeling like I am going to throw up, to fighting back tears, to ecstatic all in a few minutes span. I am making myself sick with all of the anticipation. 

I am concerned with how emotional this trip is going to be for me, especially with how I am feeling now, before I even leave Canada. For the first year, after losing Morgan, I was numb. I don't remember dealing with any of my emotions. They just happened and I was in a daze for most of it. My own bubble, so to speak. As of lately, all of my emotions seem to be heightened. And I really feel all of them. I don't feel so black and grey anymore.

I am nervous to have a breakdown, or meltdown, during this experience. I don't know if I will be able to handle it, especially being so far from home. From my support group. I think this is what has me so worked up. I know this trip is going to be hard, but what if I can't handle it? What if I am not strong enough? The first time I went to Thailand I went blindly. I didn't know what to expect, and that was good. It was hard to get such a reality check, but such a phenomenal experience at the same time. This year, I am terrified. I know how the trip affected me last time, and a lot has happened since then, that I don't know exactly how I will react.

I guess, getting down to the root of it all, I am scared this trip will send me spiralling backwards. Ever since I made the decision to go on this trip I have been thinking it will be good for me; it will be a sort of healing process for me. But what if I am wrong? It has taken me a LOT to get to where I am right now. I don't want to take a step back, nevermind a bounding leap.

Some of you may have had no idea how much I have been struggling for the past 16 months, most of you probably had no clue. That is due to me keeping everything inside. I didn't talk in detail about it. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I didn't know how. I guess I am better at writing it down, and hiding behind my computer screen.

Despite all of these things I am worried about, I can hardly contain my excitement to get this journey started. I cannot focus on anything. My mind is wandering like a lost puppy. I have probably quadruple checked my bags, my camera, Kobo, and iPod are all charging now, and I have a ride to the airport lined up (love you momma!). So why can't I settle down, and get through the last few days of work? Damn my Chretien genes. Worry, worry, worry. Breathe, Kacey, breathe.

The next update should be from somewhere that is not here. 

Until then,

Kacey

P.S. I have contemplated publishing this post. I have not expressed myself in this way to anyone. And now I am letting it out. It's nerve racking, but a lot of people I love have gone through hardships themselves. Maybe they can find comfort in this, maybe it can help someone. I don't know, but I am going to just suck it up and hit that button.